The Walls of Jericho
by Kansas J. Miller
Summary: The first year was supposed to be like this. (CJ/Hoynes)


TITLE: The Walls of Jericho  
  
AUTHOR: Kansas J. Miller  
  
PAIRING: CJ/Hoynes  
  
RATING: PG-13  
  
SPOILERS: Vague references to general show knowledge, and one obvious spoiler for 'Dead Irish Writers' at the end of the story  
  
DISCLAIMER: Most of these characters? So not mine.  
  
NOTE: This story follows the trilogy that includes "Everything", "Someone Else's Virtue" and "The Dreams of Men". Beginning in October 2007, this story goes through the end of Hoynes' first year as President, and can be considered kind of an angsty tale. Feedback is exceptional, at WestWingNut24@aol.com. Thanks!  
  
Kansas  
  
~*~  
  
He listened hard, but there was no sound. The street was yards and yards away from the White House, and at this hour, traffic was so sparse that it was barely noticeable. John wished he could hear something, anything. It seemed, however, that the room and the world outside were filled only with a sharp, lonely, stunning silence. John slowly moved his hand over the mattress beside him. CJ was gone.  
  
This had happened each night for the past month since they'd returned from the funeral in Dayton. CJ was quiet, withdrawn and melancholy, and in the middle of the night John would inevitably find her lurking around the Residence. Watching television in the study, or sitting in the living room staring blankly at a book - the night before, she'd been curled up in the rocker next to Riley's crib.  
  
Without explanation, she had asked Margaret to clear the schedule. Everyone except John was able to silently understand CJ's method of grieving for her father; no one asked questions or wondered about the First Lady's recent, sad demeanor. Even the baby seemed to accept his mother's new mood; the always-cheerful thirteen-month-old toddler was simply happy to find CJ spending more time than usual playing with him.  
  
CJ wouldn't talk about it with John, and as he lay alone in their bed listening to the silence of the night, he felt strangely detached from his wife. John knew that he'd never dealt well with other people's trauma; death and the grief that followed were things that John himself could always easily shut out and ignore - he had somehow expected the same of CJ; he'd somehow expected that she'd simply throw herself into work.  
  
But instead she was sitting in her depression, wallowing in it, handling it only by becoming a part of it. Each night, after CJ finally fell asleep, she stayed in bed until late in the mornings. Then she would loll around the Residence, playing with the baby and avoiding calls from Donna and the staff. She wasn't eating much. The day before, Bruce had reminded John that it had only been a month since her father's passing: these things took time. But for John, "these things" were beyond understanding; "these things" were simply accepted and put away, forgotten because that was the only option.  
  
With a heavy sigh, John flung aside the comforter. It was quarter past four, and even though he had to be up at five-thirty, he found his footing and walked out of the bedroom. The hallway was dark.  
  
CJ was on the sofa, curled into the corner, a dim lamp creating a halo of soft light around her head. John bit his lower lip and slowly approached, tentatively clearing his throat so as not to startle her. She was holding her father's ancient and tattered photo album on her lap, and when she looked up, CJ's eyes were wet. "Hey."  
  
John sat down on the sofa and put his hand on CJ's knee. "Claudia, what are you doing?"  
  
CJ didn't look away from the old black and white photographs. "Looking at this," she answered simply, her voice full of a month's anguish.  
  
John sighed and carefully took the old picture book off of her lap. "Sweetheart, come back to bed with me. Don't purposely upset yourself."  
  
CJ swallowed and clenched her fists together. Biting her lip hard, she looked away from her husband and tried to focus her tear-blurred eyes on the wall. "I'm not doing it on purpose," she whimpered, feeling completely out of control. CJ turned back to John, the tears slowly escaping from her eyes. "I just - I just can't help it, John, I feel so guilty."  
  
John immediately gathered CJ into his arms and pulled her onto his lap, stroking her hair as she cried against his shoulder. CJ said she felt guilty over her father's death. John didn't understand it, but clearly, CJ was living with it.  
  
Even though CJ's two brothers had been equal parts of the decision to move the elder Cregg into an Alzheimer's care facility, CJ had been the one who'd convinced her father to go. Tal had grudgingly allowed his daughter to arrange the move, but the once-intellectual man had only withered in his new environment. He was given a private room in the very best nursing home in Ohio; John had seen to that for CJ, but a man like Talmidge Cregg - even in the foggy throes of Alzheimer's - needed to feel life thriving vibrantly around him. And in the nursing home, Tal equated his existence to being trapped, jailed, and confined. It was, in his mind, the same as death itself. Tal had been in the home for three months when he began to refuse his medication. He withdrew from all activities, and eventually began to ignore his food.  
  
Deep down, CJ knew it had all been inevitable. She knew that her father's doctors had done their best - and she and her brothers sure as hell had tried to get through to him - but there was a nagging, aching, burning guilt inside of CJ that simply would not shake. Maybe if she hadn't forced him to move to the home - maybe if she'd allowed him to live as he wished, things would be different. But with the Alzheimer's clouding his mind, her father *needed* care! It wasn't a question! CJ had only wanted to do the best that she could for someone she loved as much as her father. But it seemed as though she had failed.  
  
"Sweetheart, this isn't your fault. It was out of your hands," John said, whispering the same words he'd been using for weeks against her ear.  
  
CJ sniffled and clutched John's shoulders. "I wish that were true."  
  
"Shh, Baby, shh," John shook his head as CJ's tears continued. She wasn't thinking logically, and John hoped that she'd soon be able to see the big picture. "Claudia, you have to stop berating yourself like this. It's not going to change the situation and it's certainly not going to help you feel any better."  
  
CJ grew quiet and tightened her arms around John's shoulders. She knew he was right, but grief like this was hard to let go of. And John couldn't understand it - his words and presence meant almost nothing. "Go back to bed. You have to be up soon," she finally said, pulling back and swiping at her wet eyes.  
  
John nodded and pressed a tender kiss against CJ's temple. She wanted to be alone. She so often craved solitude these days, and it was slowly eating away at their marriage. As John walked resignedly back through the darkened Residence, CJ sighed heavily and pulled the photographs of her childhood back onto her lap. Her vision blurred again and the pictures became black and white smears. And the night was again filled with an overwhelming silence.  
  
~*~  
  
"Good morning, Mr. President, you're looking sharp today," Janeane smiled brightly. John glanced down at his usual, tailored black suit and silk tie then back at Janeane, his expression blank. Janeane cleared her throat uncomfortably and handed John a hefty stack of folders. "These will require your signature by the end of the day, Sir."  
  
"Yeah," John grumbled, barely looking at Janeane. He opened the door and walked into the Oval Office, just as Bruce was coming in from the opposite side.  
  
"Mr. President! You should know that Long came back on the education package," the stout man grinned as he closed his own office door behind him.  
  
John walked into the room and around behind the desk, throwing the folders down. "I also should have known that we'd lost Long," he mumbled, looking through the overnight security updates.  
  
Bruce waved his hand. "Yeah, don't worry about it; we'll let you know when you need to get out the official pens. But staff's in five minutes and I wanted to remind you that Sam has been trolling like crazy for these votes."  
  
John looked up and nodded, making a mental note. "I'll mention it to him. Where are we with Commerce, Bruce? Did you hear back?"  
  
"Check with Janeane, but I'm pretty sure you've got a meeting with Whitman today."  
  
John sat down behind his desk and couldn't help but snort. "Whitman? Not the Secretary? I've got nineteen meetings today, Bruce, sometimes I think I don't even need to be in the room."  
  
Bruce stepped up to the desk. "Sir, is something bothering you?"  
  
John's eyes fell to his desktop photographs. Riley at six months and on his recent first birthday.their wedding picture, and CJ's gorgeous smile. John sighed again and looked tiredly up at Bruce. "I'm not getting a lot of sleep; I think we're about to get screwed on the education package no matter how hard Sam works, and our numbers suck."  
  
Bruce grimaced. The President was absolutely right, but as his top advisor, Bruce felt that it was best not to dwell on the present negatives. Positive thinking for the future was always the way. Bruce cleared his throat and changed the subject. "And how is the First Lady?"  
  
John's expression turned pointed, and quickly Bruce shook his head. He should have known that the question was off limits; the subject of CJ had been sensitive over the past weeks, and Bruce sensed that their marriage was becoming strained. However, the Chief-of-Staff didn't have a lot of time to dwell on it; the Oval Office door cracked open and senior staffers began to filter in.  
  
"Let's go, people." Bruce's voice rose after a quick glance back at the President. "We've got a lot to get through this morning!"  
  
John remained behind his desk, in weary wait of another endless day.  
  
~*~  
  
Donna shifted through what few wire reports were pertinent to the First Lady. There was nothing much, and after only half an hour in her office, Donna found her mind walking circles around a way to cure the dull mood. Picking up her phone and hitting an intra-office extension, Donna cleared her throat. "She didn't call down, did she Carol?"  
  
Instead of replying, a moment later Carol appeared at Donna's door. "I doubt she's going to."  
  
Donna hung up her phone and pointed to the chair across her desk. "Sit. This has been going on long enough. We've got to get a plan together." Donna leafed through some papers and looked out into the hallway. "Tina! Get Margaret for me, would ya?"  
  
"Right away," the efficient assistant replied, picking up her phone.  
  
Donna shook her head and looked at Carol again. "It has been a full month, Carol. A full month since the funeral! This just isn't like CJ - remember Rosslyn? When Mrs. Landingham died? And Simon? She just started working harder than before and she eventually got back to normal."  
  
Carol leaned forward, furrowing her brow in disagreement. "I don't know, Donna, those things aren't the same as the death her father.her grief is different. Maybe she needs more time."  
  
Donna sat back. Everyone on the First Lady's staff seemed to think that CJ's behavior was par for the course, that she would eventually be fine. Donna, as CJ's closest friend, believed otherwise - Donna had been to Dayton last month, and had seen firsthand the overwhelming guilt, pain, and anger that CJ was going through. It went unbelievably deep and the issue had many layers: Donna knew that CJ would need an extra hand to get up this time, but no one else seemed to see it.  
  
Margaret stuck her head into the office. "What's going on? Did the First Lady call down?"  
  
Donna frowned. "No," she said pointedly, "which is why we're having this meeting. It's about damn time that we got something together here. A diversion of some sort, a distraction."  
  
Margaret came in and sat down after shutting the door behind her. "A diversion? This isn't a scandal. CJ's just a little depressed."  
  
"I'm not talking about a media diversion, Margaret." Donna rolled her eyes, a small smile on her lips. "And CJ is more than just 'a little' depressed. The President had that look on his face this morning when I saw him."  
  
Carol raised a brow. "That look?"  
  
Donna nodded. "Yeah, the one that says, 'my wife is slowly moving farther and farther away from me, and I don't have a clue about how to bring her back'. But I think I know how to do exactly that."  
  
Margaret bit her lip and leaned slightly forward. "I don't feel right about stepping uninvited into her private life, Donna, it's a little touchy, and I don't want to offend-"  
  
Donna shook her head forcefully, interrupting. "I'm not suggesting that we join her for group therapy or something, Margaret. I want to bring up some policy-related initiatives. There are tons of Alzheimer's-related causes she can get involved with. Give it a public face, raise some money. And who knows, there's a health-care reform bill on Bruce's desk for next year; she can talk about nursing homes. If she has something meaningful to put her weight behind, she'll start to deal with this in a productive way."  
  
Margaret wasn't sure. "Is this really our place? Maybe she just needs to relax, Donna, spend some time with the baby."  
  
Donna smirked and sighed heavily. "I think Carol will back me up when I say that CJ isn't relaxing. Have you seen her lately? She's lost well over ten pounds, and on CJ's body...Look, I think we've given her more than enough time and space. Now it's time to step in."  
  
Carol nodded resignedly. Donna was walking a fine line in terms of CJ's private and professional lives, but she had a point. And if CJ would let anyone in, it would be Donna. "I'll put together some research."  
  
"Margaret, you, too. I want to be able to take something to her this evening," Donna directed, gesturing at the closed office door. The two women got up and began to quietly walk out, with Margaret skeptical at best. Donna sighed, sensing their hesitance. "Guys, we have to do *something*."  
  
Carol looked over her shoulder. Her eyes read agreement. "Yeah."  
  
Margaret nodded. CJ had turned into another person and it was unsettling. "We'll have something for you by three."  
  
~*~  
  
The Oval Office was lovely when it was empty. John was grateful for the quiet moment he had found, and he was taking the time to make a few lines in the personal journal he kept. Caught up in what he was writing, he didn't see the portico door crack quietly open.  
  
"Hard at work, Mr. President?"  
  
John looked up at the sad tease in his wife's voice. He quickly shut his journal and smiled at CJ, dressed casually in jeans and a white long- sleeved t-shirt. "I didn't expect to see you there."  
  
CJ sighed and sat down in the chair directly beside the desk. Resting her chin in her hand, she looked at John with big eyes. "Riley's taking his nap and I was getting lonely."  
  
John leaned against the desk and touched CJ's chin. "You could go over and see your staff. Donna was here this morning asking for you."  
  
CJ averted her eyes. "I don't want to work, John. I don't want to work! I just can't do it right now. Not yet."  
  
John shook his head. "Work will be good for you, Sweetheart; it'll take your mind off of things."  
  
CJ snorted disgustedly and stood up. "John, I don't need to get my mind off things! I want -"  
  
John studied her pointedly and sat back. "You want to wallow in your grief? In this misplaced guilt you seem to be harboring? When are you going to understand that his death wasn't your doing? When are you going to stop hurting yourself? You're getting thin. You're not sleeping or eating right..."  
  
Immediately on the defensive, but before CJ could think of an appropriate response, Janeane cracked open the door. "Mr. President, the Secretary of State."  
  
"Thank you. Show him in, please," John sighed heavily, standing up. He took a step towards his wife and dropped his voice. "Don't look at me like that. I have your best interests at heart. I want the old Claudia back."  
  
"Mrs. Hoynes, it's a pleasure to see you," the Secretary of State smiled politely as he came into the Oval Office, nodding at the First Lady.  
  
CJ closed her eyes briefly. "Hello, Leonard," she murmured, stepping past her husband. "I'll be around," she quietly informed John, heading for the office's center door.  
  
John watched as CJ walked into the hallway across from the Roosevelt Room. He was, each day, growing more and more uneasy with his wife's depression. It was uncharacteristic, unhealthy, and disturbing. John knew he had to do something to help CJ, but for once, he had absolutely no idea how to fix her world. Exhaling sharply, John moved to the sofa and sat down across from his Secretary of State.  
  
~*~  
  
"Sam, my man," CJ smiled, leaning against the door. It was odd to see the former communications deputy occupying the office that had once belonged to Josh Lyman. The room was much tidier now, with room enough for a sofa. "Got a few minutes for the boss's wife?"  
  
Sam smiled warmly from his desk. "Always. Come on in."  
  
"How's business?" She asked, grinning at her old friend, already knowing the answer to her question.  
  
Sam snorted. "I'm writing four separate speeches that are all in different draft stages, so I'm not quite sure. Plus I'm trying to call every United States Senator who might be on the fence for the education thing. And it's about time to start on the State of the Union, so you know; the load should probably lighten up soon."  
  
"You can staff some of that out," CJ suggested, leaning her head back against the couch. "Especially the things that should be for Communications."  
  
"People are incompetent," Sam replied, as though that made perfect sense. "And I'm a writer. With the way things are going, I can't do enough."  
  
CJ pursed her lips. "I don't know, Sam. Weren't we like this? Wasn't everything unstable and unsure at first? It took a while to find the rhythm."  
  
Sam shook his head. Because of the expert debate prep and policy advice, John had asked Sam to be his Deputy Chief-of-Staff. It had been an easy decision for Sam, and he was proud to take the higher-level position. It had made moving day a whole lot easier. But that had been about it for smooth sailing; the first nine months of John Hoynes' administration had not yet strayed from a rocky and troubled path.  
  
"I don't know, CJ, I just hope things pick up before the State of the Union, or we're going to have trouble moving anything after January," Sam sighed. "Have you seen the latest poll?"  
  
CJ shook her head. "I haven't been at the office."  
  
Sam looked up. He'd heard that CJ was holing herself up in the Residence, but hadn't felt comfortable asking about it. And now that he studied her up close, Sam could see that CJ was pale, much thinner than usual. "Well," Sam dropped his voice, "as you like to say, our numbers are less than yeasty."  
  
CJ nodded, appreciating that Sam was too polite to comment on her absence from work. John, Donna, and some of the other staff had been quite blunt in their opinions about CJ's grieving; everyone thought she should get over her father's death and go back to work. It wasn't so much her father's death that had CJ down in a dark hole, it was the thought that she had been the one who'd sped up the process.  
  
"CJ?" Sam asked, noticing that she was staring into space.  
  
CJ shook her head and smiled, standing up. "I'll let you get back to your four speeches. See you 'round, Sam."  
  
Sam watched as CJ exited into the hallway. All of the staffers in the bullpen jumped to their feet upon the appearance of the First Lady, but CJ was too much wrapped up in her own thoughts to notice.  
  
~*~  
  
When Riley was freshly diapered and dressed in his pajamas, CJ set him on the floor and kneeled down across from him. "C'mere, Baby, walk to Mommy."  
  
Riley grinned and took a few shaky steps towards CJ before he fell backwards, landing in a heap on his bottom. CJ watched with affection as the brown-haired boy frowned and struggled unsuccessfully to get back on his feet. Finally CJ crawled forward and helped Riley up, this time pulling the toddler into her embrace.  
  
"You'll get it soon," she decided, squeezing the boy tightly. "And then you'll grow big and tall just like your Daddy."  
  
"Daddy?" Riley asked excitedly, looking quizzically around the room before training his dark eyes back on CJ.  
  
CJ stood up, Riley still in her arms. "Daddy's downstairs. Do you want to go see him and say goodnight?"  
  
"Daddy, goodnight!" Riley cried happily, and CJ kissed his soft, round cheek. The baby had always seemed to gravitate towards John, likely because he was around far less than CJ was. John often lamented it, but there were only so many hours in the day for both his family and for his job. CJ tried to bring Riley down to visit as much as possible, but it wasn't the same as quality time.  
  
As she walked down to the first floor, CJ bounced Riley on her hip and thought some more about what everyone had been telling her. It was time to get out of the funk she'd been in for a month. It was a time like this that CJ felt most comfortable thinking about moving away from her depression: being around the ever-cheerful Riley was good for her mood. And, CJ figured, if she was clearly identifying her depression, she could probably find a way out of it.  
  
"Janeane, is the President available?" CJ asked, coming into the outer office via the portico door.  
  
Janeane looked up from her computer. "He's been in with the Chief-of- Staff since 7:15, but you can go on in," she said, smiling at Riley. Riley waved his little fist at her, social and ever-aware of the attention he generated.  
  
CJ nodded and headed for the Oval Office door. The feeling of déjà vu swept over her, and for a moment, CJ recalled all of the times she had entered this office as a member of the staff. Bruce was standing up from the sofa, ready to leave when CJ entered. "Good evening, CJ," Bruce nodded. "And to your son, who doesn't like me."  
  
John turned towards his wife and chuckled. Upon sight of Bruce, Riley had whimpered and buried his small head in the crook of his mother's neck. CJ smiled amusedly as Bruce went into his own office; it was true - Riley had always been frightened by John's best friend and Chief-of-Staff.  
  
"Hey, Buddy, did you come down to say goodnight?" John asked cheerfully, smiling at his son.  
  
CJ nodded and looked at Riley. "Want to walk to Daddy? Let's walk to Daddy," she urged, setting his pajama-covered feet on the rug. Riley was fabulous at holding onto furniture and making his way around the Residence, but CJ was concerned that he should be walking on his own already. They practiced at every opportunity.  
  
John crouched down and held his hands out to Riley, glancing up at CJ momentarily. Her eyes were glazed over as she watched the little boy carefully make his way towards his father, his steps slow but steady. When Riley reached John, the toddler clapped his hands and screamed, grinning widely as he turned to look at his mother. He was bright, and fully understood the game that CJ so often asked him to play.  
  
"Wow!" John smiled, scooping the baby up. "Look how far you walked, Buddy, that's great. But walking is nothing, Son, the next thing we're gonna work on is your pitching arm."  
  
CJ swallowed the lump that had formed in throat at the sight of her husband and son. John was such a wonderful father, even when he didn't have the time to be. Thoughts of her own father - and her recent, frequent, sometimes inexplicable pain - filled CJ's emotions, and she felt hot tears stinging at her eyes.  
  
John looked away from Riley and saw CJ standing in the middle of the Oval Office, a sad, tearful expression crossing her face. With a soft murmur, John held his free arm out, reaching for her. CJ quickly closed the distance between them, burying her head against John's jacket as she wrapped her arms around his middle. Riley tugged on her loose hair while John stroked CJ's back, the silence of the office filled only by intermittent baby talk and CJ's soft sobbing.  
  
John wished he had the words to heal his wife's pain. He wished he had enough time to truly listen to every single thing that was troubling her; he wanted so badly to go away from the White House for a while so they could just be together as John and Claudia, not as the President and First Lady. But the Administration was faltering; John had hardly enough time for the nation, much less for his own family. And John knew his almost-total unavailability was doing more damage to his wife's already-fraught emotional state. As John tried to comfort CJ, he realized that while there was no physical distance between them, the emotional barrier being built was miles wide.  
  
~*~  
  
Donna was excited. She had a serious list of reasonable actions CJ could take towards furthering the cause of Alzheimer's research. As starter ideas, they were simple yet helpful; they were things that Donna felt would make a legitimate impact on the issues while giving CJ a new focus for her energy. As she rode the elevator up to the White House Residence, Donna hoped that CJ would see her tonight as a best friend, and not as the Chief- of-Staff.  
  
"Hey, Lover Boy," Donna teased with big a grin as she stepped off of the lift.  
  
Bobby fought his smile as he kept his back straight. "How many times do I have to tell you?"  
  
Donna giggled. "I like to see you get flustered."  
  
"Not when I'm on duty, Donna!" Bobby pleaded with a quick roll of his eyes. He leaned forward and dropped his voice. "Besides, it takes a lot more to fluster me than a nickname like 'Lover Boy'."  
  
Donna smirked. There was no one in the area outside the Residence. She pressed a fast kiss against the tall man's lips. "Not when you're on duty, it doesn't."  
  
Bobby smiled in acquiescence. "What do you need?"  
  
"I want to see CJ," Donna smiled, watching as her boyfriend of thirteen months disappeared into the hallway door. She heard him knocking on the Residence door and fervently hoped that CJ wouldn't shut her out again.  
  
"Ma'am, Donna Moss is here to see you," Bobby said, retaining his professional demeanor despite the fact that Bobby had often joined Donna when CJ gathered together some of her closets friends.  
  
Donna heard the low murmuring of CJ's voice and was startled when Bobby walked back into the lobby, a frown on his face. "She says it's not a good time," he whispered.  
  
Donna was incredulous. Her eyes widened. "Bobby, it's eight o'clock. Audrey just left, the baby's in bed. There's no reason she can't see me! Can you tell her I'm not here professionally?"  
  
Bobby shifted his eyes. Only for Donna. He walked back into the area obstructed from Donna's view. Another short exchange of murmured voices, and then Bobby returned again. He shook his head.  
  
Donna leaned her head back, raising her chin to the ceiling with a heavy sigh. "This is ridiculous," she hissed, upset and discouraged. Donna rolled her neck and fixed her eyes on the floor. "She can't keep doing this to herself," she muttered, stepping a bit closer to the Residence door. "Bobby, screw it, I'm just going in. She has to deal with this *sometime*!"  
  
Bobby felt torn, but he quickly stepped between Donna and the Residence door. "I'm sorry, but I can't allow you to do that."  
  
Donna's eyes widened as she pressed up against his body. "She's not the First Lady right now, Bobby, she's CJ and she needs some sense knocked into her head. Get outta the way." When he did not move, Donna cocked her head and steeled her voice. "I swear to God, Bobby, if you don't get your ass out of my way - "  
  
Overpowered not by her words but by the pure intensity of Donna's concern for CJ, Bobby grudgingly stepped aside. They'd be having a talk later about taking advantage of professional positions, but as Bobby heard the Residence door crack open and closed, he secretly hoped that Donna would be able to fix the First Lady's mood.  
  
~*~ *  
  
"I can't believe you won't see me," Donna raised her hands into the air as she walked into the Residence. It was time for some tough love.  
  
CJ was curled up on the sofa, reading and re-reading the same page of a magazine. Donna's voice and presence startled her and she jumped. "Donna! I thought I -What are you doing?"  
  
Donna came in and sat across from her boss and best friend, her eyes pleading. "I am ignoring your attempts at avoidance! I'm not going to let you do this anymore. I care about you too much. Enough, incidentally, to threaten my boyfriend, who carries a gun, in order to get in here."  
  
CJ couldn't stifle her snicker. When she met Donna's eyes, her expression softened with a sigh. "Oh, Donna, I'm so sorry. I just honestly haven't been able to deal with much of anything this past month. I haven't meant to avoid you, but it seems like I'm pushing everyone away."  
  
Donna nodded firmly. "I know. And everyone is walking around, allowing it. But I know you better - the CJ I know doesn't let herself sink this deep."  
  
CJ averted her eyes and twisted her mouth. "I don't know how to make it go away."  
  
Donna was caught off guard by the quiet, child-like qualities CJ's voices had taken on, but she quickly regrouped. Donna leaned forward and placed a confident hand in CJ's. "Margaret and Carol and I have put together a list of projects that might make you feel better about what happened. There are some Alzheimer's benefits, publicity work and appearances, and some information about nursing home standards. Knowing you - the way I do - once you snap out of this, you're going to want to save the world."  
  
CJ closed her eyes and clung to Donna's hand. "Probably."  
  
Donna dropped her voice. "And, CJ, if you think you might actually be depressed, there are ways of handling it. We can arrange for you to quietly see someone. A doctor or a therapist, someone professional."  
  
CJ quickly held up her free hand. "Not yet, okay?"  
  
Donna nodded. "Well, do you want to see the list we put together?" she smiled leadingly, sensing CJ might be ready to just ponder the idea of working.  
  
CJ looked up, a slow smile spreading over her face. "Sure."  
  
~*~  
  
"Come on in, Sam," John waved eagerly at the younger man. It was nearly nine o'clock; this was the last meeting of the day. "Make it quick; I'd like to get home."  
  
"Yes, Sir," Sam nodded, walking into the Oval Office. The President had already packed up his briefcase and was standing next to his desk, obviously ready to bolt out of the room. "We're currently just two votes from a win on the education package. And I was able to get the chairman to schedule the vote for Tuesday instead of Monday."  
  
John nodded, relieved. "Well, that'll buy some time. You think you can find two votes over the weekend?"  
  
Sam's eyes widened confidently. "Well, Sir, I'm absolutely certain that I have *one* more vote, and then we send Carpenter in to break the tie. We'll squeak by with this one, but a win's a win."  
  
John pursed his lips. "I like your attitude. And I appreciate the hard work, Sam, really."  
  
"Well, Sir, we need this bill to pass," Sam reminded him. "A loss is going to be crippling."  
  
Hoynes sighed and shook his head. "I've seen the polls. But Bruce seems to trust your strategy. Keep me updated," John directed, picking up his briefcase. "I'll see you, Sam."  
  
"Goodnight, Mr. President," Sam nodded, watching as Hoynes walked out onto the portico, the door clicking shut behind him.  
  
Sam looked around the Oval Office, satisfied with the way his day had ended. A single lamp gave the room a beautiful glow, and as he turned to leave, Sam knew that despite the troubles, this was the only place in the world he wanted to be working.  
  
~*~  
  
CJ was stretched out on her stomach, lounging on the bed when John came into the Residence. Her eyes were fixed on a sheet of paper, still reading even as she acknowledged her husband. "Hey, John."  
  
Dropping his briefcase down with an unceremonious thud, John immediately shed his suit coat. "I saw Donna leaving on my way up. Did you two talk?"  
  
CJ looked up and took off her reading glasses. "Yeah, she gave me a list of things I can do to help."  
  
As he unknotted his tie, John came over to the bed and looked over CJ's shoulders. "Help with what?" he asked, resting his hand on her lower back as he read the list. "Ah, I see. Wow, these look like great ideas," he said tentatively, not yet sure how CJ was reacting to Donna's suggestions. John, for his part, was impressed that Donna had been able to even bring up the idea of working again.  
  
CJ smiled softly and put down the paper. "I agree. I didn't realize there was so much out there to get involved with. I suppose I should have known," she shrugged, keeping the mood casual. She sighed softly and sat up onto her knees, watching John. "What's going on with you?"  
  
John shrugged and laid his tie on the bed before leaning down to chastely kiss CJ's lip. "Not really much," he said, eager to return to the topic of Donna's list. "Do you think you're going to do some of those things?"  
  
CJ slipped off of the bed and stood next to John. Sliding her arms around his shoulders, she cocked her head. "I'm going to make a few calls within the next day or so," she said softly, leaning against John.  
  
He tightened his arms around her, grateful to hear something positive from his wife. "Good, Sweetheart, I'm really glad." They stayed in the embrace for a silent moment before John cleared his throat. "Claudia, do you need to talk? I know I haven't exactly been here for you in the past few weeks."  
  
"No, you haven't," CJ agreed quietly, focusing her eyes on the floor as she laid her head against his shoulder.  
  
John pulled back, a bit stunned. "CJ, I didn't - you never said...I mean - " he shook his head, flummoxed.  
  
CJ immediately clutched at his shoulders, desperately closing the distance he'd imposed. "Oh, John, no, I didn't mean for that to sound so - Look, I know how busy you are and I know that everything you're doing is so important. I never expected you to..." she trailed awkwardly, frowning.  
  
John closed his eyes briefly and sat down on the bed, urging CJ to follow. Turning towards her, John took CJ's hands in his own. "You've been so distant lately, but I felt like you were *trying* to push me away - I thought you would talk to me when you were ready. But I shouldn't have let this happen."  
  
CJ smiled softly and looked at their joined hands. Their marriage had changed so much in the past ten months since John had taken office. "I don't think it's fair of me to put more stress on top of the pressure you've already got."  
  
John shook his head and squeezed her fingers. "You're my wife, Claudia. I love you. You come first in my life."  
  
CJ smiled and raised her head. "While I appreciate the sentiment, unfortunately, John, I think we both know that's impractical and impossible right now."  
  
John felt a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. He met CJ's blue eyes and a guilty wave washed over him. "I'm so sorry," he said firmly. "I'm sorry this is all so hard."  
  
CJ put her hands confidently on his shoulders. "Don't be. This job is a once-in-a-lifetime experience for you. For me, too. These years and all of this hard work - it won't last forever. Nor will what I'm going through with my father's death, I suppose."  
  
John looked up, surprise in his eyes. "It's good to hear that from you - I've been worried sick."  
  
CJ nodded and sighed. "This is all taking a little time." She stood up and pulled John along. "Go, take a shower and get changed. I'm going to check on the baby, and then we'll go to bed."  
  
Half an hour later when the Residence was dark, John slid into the already-warm bed. CJ immediately crawled into his arms and clung tightly to her husband, hoping it wasn't too late to regain some of the ground they'd lost. As she listened to the beating of John's heart, CJ sensed that it would all be okay, soon. She was going to go back to work on Monday and slowly force herself to feel better about her father's death. And she wasn't going to shut John out, not ever again.  
  
~*~ *  
  
Donna bounced exuberantly into the First Lady's East Wing offices on Monday morning after a brief meeting with Bruce. CJ's small staff was ready to work as Donna swept into the secretary's area.  
  
"Listen up, guys," she cleared her throat, slightly raising her voice. "When she comes down today, let's not make a big fuss. Keep it easy going and casual, keep it light. No one is to comment about her father, and certainly not a word about her absence. This is probably going to be a half- day for the First Lady, but no one goes home before checking in with me. Got it?"  
  
Murmurs arose and Donna nodded, satisfied that everything was under control. As she walked towards her own office, Stacy approached. "I let Bill know that I was going to brief right after he does, probably around four. By then we'll have more on what she's doing."  
  
Donna nodded in approval. "A statement and questions."  
  
Stacy scribbled a note on her pad and disappeared. Carol popped up from behind Donna. "Apparently, the President told the Vice President that CJ was coming back to work today, and his wife sent the most beautiful flower arrangement."  
  
Donna furrowed her brow. "Mrs. Carpenter sent flowers? So much for not making a fuss. Where are they?"  
  
"On the round table in her office," Carol smiled, "And I put the card on the desk."  
  
Margaret came out of CJ's office. "I organized the news for her. Today's papers, the wires, and last week's press summary- what time do you think she'll be down?"  
  
"It's quarter to eight," CJ's distinct and familiar voice rang out. "I know I'm a little late, but I'll get back into the swing of things before you know it."  
  
The three women spun around and found CJ standing behind them, smiling. She was dressed in an expensive, tailored black dress suit. Though her recent weight loss was apparent, she had makeup on and her hair was done. CJ looked healthier and more vibrant than she had all month long.  
  
"Welcome back!" Carol grinned excitedly, unable to help but throw her arms around CJ. The month had seemed endless without her longtime friend and boss. "I missed you so much!"  
  
CJ chuckled and tightly hugged Carol in return. Donna rolled her eyes. This was definitely not part of keeping things casual, the blond thought wryly, watching as Margaret happily joined the group hug. "Come on, Donna, you know you want to," CJ teased and held her arms out, grinning as the two assistants finally stepped back.  
  
Donna chuckled and embraced her boss. "Settle in and then buzz me. We'll meet and set up some calls."  
  
CJ nodded, surprised to find herself genuinely interested in getting back to work. The staff respectfully dispersed to give her some space, and as CJ went into her office, she felt a surge of hope. The new initiatives Donna had outlined were going to be well worth getting involved with, and as CJ sat down behind her newly-neatened desk, she couldn't wait to get started.  
  
~*~  
  
"I talked to some people who were very happy to hear from me. We're going to organize a benefit for Alzheimer's research," CJ said, cradling the phone against her ear as she held Riley on her lap. "Stacy set up some media, and then I'm going to do some digging of my own. You know, visit some facilities and homes like the one my Dad was in - Donna had a meeting with Bruce, and the places run with government subsidiary could be eligible for more money under your healthcare reform bill."  
  
John was in his private study, listening to his wife on the speakerphone. He smiled at her voice. "Do you realize that you sound happy for the first time in weeks?"  
  
CJ smiled slowly, feeling self-conscious. "Well, maybe."  
  
John nodded and leaned on his desk. "I'm glad you called; this afternoon has been hell."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"What hasn't?" John grumbled, tossing aside with disdain the latest polling numbers. "The education bill is going to a vote in less than twenty- four hours and Sam still can't tell me if anything is set in stone. Bill has our people on every political talk show tonight, and Sam is doing his thing, but I don't know, CJ. I swear, if we lose -"  
  
"You'll just have to start all over again," CJ interjected, smiling at the baby as he climbed energetically over her lap. "Riley, say hi to Daddy."  
  
John couldn't help but grin at the sound of his son's voice, crying out over the phone with a happy, "Hi to Daddy!" Riley grabbed at the phone, giggling at his mother.  
  
CJ chuckled and set Riley on the floor. She stood up, watching as he toddled forward. "Anyway, John, I just wanted to tell you what was going on. Today was a good start, but I'm *so* tired - I'm going up to the Residence soon. I'll get some dinner in an hour."  
  
John nodded as he made a neat stack with his newspapers. "Speaking of meals, would you like to have lunch tomorrow? The vote is scheduled for noon, I figured we could sit and watch it together."  
  
"Ooh, hot date," CJ teased, smiling against the phone while keeping one eye on Riley. He was walking a little farther, getting closer to the filing cabinet.  
  
"Hey, when's the last time someone asked you out?" John responded slyly, thrilled beyond reason that CJ was in a joking mood. It had been far too long since he'd heard her laugh.  
  
"I get plenty of fan mail," she retorted with laugh. "I'm *very* popular with the American public."  
  
"At least with the men," John grinned in agreement.  
  
"Oh, and more than a few women, I gotta say," CJ giggled, feeling almost light inside. Why had it taken her so long to shake the deep depression?  
  
John chuckled, but before he could say anything else, the distinct wailing of his son carried over the phone line. "What happened? Why's he crying?"  
  
CJ grimaced; the baby had fallen forward, bumping his head against the cabinet. "He fell, I gotta go."  
  
She quickly threw down the phone and kneeled down next to the baby. Riley was in an unhappy heap on his stomach, shrieking as the tears streaming down his face; a red bump was quickly growing on his forehead.  
  
"Oh, brother," CJ murmured, scooping up the hysterical little boy and holding him close against her chest. "Shh, Sweetie, it's okay, it's okay."  
  
Riley screamed and CJ rocked him gently as she stood up, hoping his little run in with the filing cabinet wouldn't scar him for life against walking. Chuckling at the thought, CJ kissed her son's forehead and decided that for her first day back, she'd spent more than enough time in the office.  
  
~*~  
  
"Good evening, Mr. Vice President," Bruce smiled, ushering the graying statesman into his office. "Always a pleasure to see you."  
  
"Likewise!" Richard Carpenter smiled pleasantly at the White House Chief-of-Staff and as he settled down in front of Bruce's desk, the Vice President greeted Sam. "Mr. Seaborn! We haven't crossed paths in a while! How's life treating you?"  
  
Sam grinned. They had an extraordinarily good and easy-going relationship with the Vice President, a far cry from the Bartlet-Hoynes dynamic of the administration prior. "Life has been much better since we earned fifty votes on the education package."  
  
Carpenter leaned forward in his seat, eyes wide in surprise. "Exactly fifty votes! Really? Very interesting. I'm impressed."  
  
Bruce's smile was broad. "It'll be a victory when we send you in tomorrow."  
  
The Vice President sat back, satisfied. "And I'll bet those votes aren't even along party lines."  
  
"No, Sir," Sam chuckled.  
  
"Well, I'll be damned," the older man chortled. He often reminded Sam of a friendly grandfather. "I suppose we're getting lucky."  
  
Bruce nodded professionally. "The President will want to meet with you in the morning, and as long as there's no movement between now and noon, you'll be breaking the tie for us, Sir."  
  
Carpenter smiled and stood up, ceremoniously shaking the husky man's hand. "I had six terms in the House and served another twelve years as Governor of New York, but I've gotta tell you, there's nothing that fascinates me more than the United States Senate."  
  
Sam shook his head affectionately, also taking Carpenter's hand. "I don't know, Mr. Vice President, I've had more than my fair share of fascination with this bill alone."  
  
"Someone will call your offices in the morning," Bruce said, following the Vice President to the door. "Thank you, Sir."  
  
Carpenter nodded, smiled, and straightened his tailored blue suit. "And thank you, both. Goodnight."  
  
Sam and Bruce watched as the Vice President passed out of the office. Tomorrow, their most important piece of legislation yet was going to be ushered past the United States Senate, fifty-one votes to fifty. It was a win, but barely, and with the help of their close ally Richard Carpenter, maybe the President's agenda would finally be able to take off.  
  
~*~ *  
  
CJ pulled her robe around her body as she walked out of Riley's nursery, leaving the baby sleeping soundly. It was dark outside but the clock only read five minute past eight; as October progressed, the days were getting shorter, and CJ could barely believe that so much time had passed in her life.  
  
Come January, she and John would celebrate five years together; the coming June would make four years of marriage. It seemed so long and yet so short a time, all at once. She and John had started their life together so late, and yet their relationship was solid - CJ resented the frequent, invasive editorial pieces claiming that their young marriage was too 'unstable' for the stressful conditions of John's recently-faltering Presidency. Many people assumed that they would fall apart, not having yet passed the test of time. But they were as in love as they'd ever been, together for the duration. Her commitment to John was for forever, and after the hard month she'd just been through, it was a comforting thought to CJ.  
  
After she poured herself a cup of hot tea, CJ settled into the quiet living room and pondered the past weeks. Working today had given her a surge of positive energy; CJ knew that her depression over her father's death was lifting. And even though she'd pushed everyone in her life - including John - away from her, CJ was lucky: the people she had always needed were still one-hundred per cent there for her.  
  
"Look how early I got up here for you," John announced, sweeping open the Residence door. His voice was full of cheerfulness, and CJ eagerly moved out into the main room.  
  
"How did you ever manage?" CJ teased, sidling up to her husband. She stroked the lapels of his jacket before planting a full kiss on his lips. "I missed you all day long," she whispered, smiling against his mouth.  
  
John dropped his arms to her waist, looking into CJ's eyes. "I missed you all month long," he said genuinely, tenderly pressing his mouth back against hers.  
  
CJ's expression softened as she urged John farther into the room. She avoided his comment and helped divest him of his suit coat. "Did you eat, John? Milo made the most amazing chicken cheese steak for dinner and there's some left."  
  
John smiled and unknotted his tie. "I had something earlier. I can't remember what, though: Sam got me fifty votes, and there was some issue with China. Bruce and I were tied up in meetings all evening."  
  
CJ's face broke into a smile. "Fifty votes, that's fabulous. Carpenter's gonna do his thing?"  
  
John nodded and walked into the bedroom, CJ on his tail. "Bruce was meeting with him. I can't imagine he'll be anything less than thrilled."  
  
"Georgiana sent me the most beautiful flower arrangement today," CJ murmured with a smile, sitting down on the bed as John undressed. "She's incredibly nice. They both are."  
  
John could not help but agree. He had gotten extremely lucky when Richard Carpenter had agreed to come out of a partial retirement to serve as Vice President. The man had virtually no enemies, despite his record as a strong New York Democrat. With Hoynes, they made the perfect electoral and political team.  
  
Now in only his boxers, John sat down next to CJ and took her hands. "So, I take it your first day went well? How's Riley - he didn't get too badly hurt, did he?" John asked, suddenly remembering their phone conversation had been cut short by their son's fall. "Should I check on him?"  
  
CJ smiled affectionately. "He fell asleep ten minutes ago, I'd let him be. It was only a little bump on the head - he just tripped, nothing major. And the day was wonderful. I can't believe I didn't do this sooner."  
  
John leaned forward and pressed a lingering kiss against CJ's mouth. "You needed time, that's all," he responded, resting his forehead against hers. "I'm proud of you, Sweetheart."  
  
CJ smiled and laced her arm around John's bare shoulders, stroking the hair at the base of his neck. They exchanged another tender kiss, their bodies slowly inching closer together. John's hands fell to CJ's waist and he watched her expression grow sweetly shy as their slow kisses grew deeper. They hadn't been intimate in weeks, and as John slowly lowered CJ's back down against the pillows of the bed, he found himself growing quickly excited at the prospect of making love to his wife.  
  
"John," CJ breathed as he crawled over her and hovered, slowly trailing his lips down the side of her neck, his hands lightly playing at her covered breasts. "Um, John?"  
  
John caught a nervous edge in his wife's voice, and just before he was about to undo the tie of her robe, he looked up. "What's wrong, Baby?" His voice was gentle as he backed off a bit.  
  
CJ sighed and pulled John's mouth quickly down against hers before she searched his eyes. "I'm just - well, in the last month I haven't exactly - you know, I've, um..." she trailed badly, averting her gaze and subconsciously holding her robe closed with one hand.  
  
John's expression softened as he rested his forehead against hers. "Oh, Claudia, it's just me. You don't have to feel insecure with me - you're beautiful," he whispered. Judging by the shy flash over her expression, he'd guessed the issue correctly; she was anxious about him seeing her body, recently grown thin.  
  
CJ's lips curled up into a small, barely noticeable smile and she closed her eyes, cherishing the feel of John's body pressing against hers. Yes, she was a little underweight at the moment, but she should have known that John wouldn't judge her. "It's just been a while, that's all. I'm sorry."  
  
"You don't have to worry," John soothed, kissing her again. "We'll take this one slowly."  
  
"Slow is good," she allowed, sighing as his hands gently reclaimed her breasts.  
  
John watched CJ close her eyes, her expression growing relaxed as he carefully massaged her nipples into peaks. Kissing her mouth, her neck, and then the hollow of her throat, John gently unlaced the tie of her robe. This time she allowed the material to fall open. CJ's fading perfume wafted softly around John's senses as he found himself searching her bare skin with his mouth.  
  
CJ murmured as John dipped his tongue into her navel; her body fell slack and she sank her fingers lightly into his thick hair. John smiled against her heated skin - CJ's body was becoming quickly aroused by the light ministrations of his mouth as he kissed his way down her torso. For his part, John was already hard as a rock, the long month of abstinence catching up easily.  
  
"How did we ever go for so long without touching each other?" CJ whimpered, reading John's mind as he pressed a kiss against her curls. A moment later she felt his finger gently teasing at her opening, easily slipping into the already-moist slit. She sighed deeply, moaning as he put pressure against her hardened clitoris.  
  
"It was too long," John finally responded, lifting his head as he slowly slid his finger in, out, and around her arousal. "I'm not going to let you get away from me, ever again."  
  
CJ's eyes remained closed, her head thrown back against the pillow as she soaked up the throbbing sensations that John's feather-light touches were leaving behind. As he continued to tease her vagina, continually increasing the pressure on her clit, John watched his wife, her robe open and revealing a beautiful, flushed expanse of skin; her expression and her breathy moans were telling - she had quickly become ready for him.  
  
John removed his finger from her wet and now-swollen center. He stroked his fingertips softly up the length of her body, leaving goose bumps behind on her smooth skin. John was rewarded by CJ's hands reaching for his penis, solid and throbbing with arousal. Pushing away the boxer shorts, she stroked his thick hardness, urging his center closer to hers. As they began to exchange deep, wet kisses, John slid his hands around CJ's hips, cupping her bottom and pulling her tightly to him.  
  
"John," CJ groaned against her husband's ear, whimpering lightly as he rocked his tip at her opening. "Don't tease me. Not tonight."  
  
Smiling against her neck, John sank down into CJ's body, reveling in the familiar feeling of her velvet warmth as it squeezed his penis. She felt tighter than he remembered, the hot sensation of her vagina's grip feeling like a glove - John couldn't help but begin to thrust in and out.  
  
"Can I tease you next time?" John chuckled, stifling a groan as she wrapped her legs around his waist.  
  
With a slight cry, CJ clutched at John's shoulders. He was slowly grinding into her body, hoping to make the pleasure last forever. "Only," she breathed hard, her voice husky, "if you go faster, now. Oh, John, please, I need this so much."  
  
CJ's words and the begging, desperate tone her voice had taken urged John along; he began to rock faster, harder against her, creating a delicious and sizzling friction between their bodies. "God, this is so good," he moaned, his senses wrapped up in her as he lightly sucked at the skin of CJ's shoulder. It wasn't long until more pressure built up in his groin. Her vagina was rhythmically squeezing his shaft, bringing John closer and closer to a precarious, explosive edge.  
  
"Really, really good - oh!" CJ agreed, her voice catching in her throat as she shifted her hips, improving John's angle of attack on her throbbing clitoris. It was only a few strokes more before she felt her orgasm begin to tremble, the contractions strong and pleasurable.  
  
John groaned something unintelligible as he felt CJ's slick center throbbing around him; his release immediately followed, shattering powerfully into her body, a cry on his lips. John rolled onto his back, their bodies still joined. "I love you," he murmured, kissing her deeply.  
  
CJ sighed contentedly, her breath still coming hard. "Me, too," she agreed lazily, closing her eyes as John tucked her head under his chin. "This is insane," she chuckled after a moment, lacing her arm across John's chest.  
  
"What's insane?" John asked, smiling against CJ's hair as he kept a tight hold on her.  
  
CJ snorted. "You and me. This. Everything. Before you came in, I was thinking about how much my life has changed in the past five years."  
  
John nodded, squeezing her shoulders. "Any regrets?"  
  
CJ picked her head up, smiling as she pressed her lips against John's. "Not yet."  
  
~*~  
  
"Coffee's here," Margaret announced, setting four tall paper cups down on the conference room table.  
  
Donna and Carol grabbed their drinks while Stacy remained poised with the remote control. "You guys ready?"  
  
Margaret sat down, watching as Donna took a long draught from her coffee. It was Tuesday, the morning of which always seemed somehow worse than Monday. As she swallowed the caffeine, Donna grumbled. "I can't believe there were issues. I didn't even *watch* the damn thing."  
  
Carol was ready with a notebook. "CJ didn't even watch it - no one did, we figured it would be fine."  
  
Stacy shrugged, ignoring her coffee. She was always wide awake, no matter the time of day. "This isn't a disaster or anything, but the press is more aware of things than we expected. I think that I stayed out of the pressroom for far too long - everyone was a little too curious, and the rumors had been flying."  
  
Donna sighed. "Let's just watch the tape."  
  
The four turned towards the television, and Stacy hit play on the VCR remote. The familiar image of the pressroom appeared on the screen, with Stacy entering and stepping up to the podium. After a brief statement about Mrs. Hoynes' new healthcare-related initiatives, the questions began at a rapid-fire pace.  
  
"Stacy, why has it taken Mrs. Hoynes so long to return to work?"  
  
"After her father's unexpected passing, the First Lady needed some privacy and sufficient time to cope with her loss. But she's back, motivated, and ready to get down to business."  
  
"That was good," Donna commented, garnering a nod out of Stacy as she paused the tape.  
  
"That's about it for the 'good' portion of this briefing," the blond press expert smirked. "Watch."  
  
The tape resumed. "Was she just grieving, or is Mrs. Hoynes experiencing some health difficulties of her own? Her recent physical appearance has been noted as a cause for concern."  
  
Stacy smirked, knowing exactly where the reporters were going. CJ had been out in public only a few times in the past month, mostly on the President's arm at fundraisers or functions - and the press was right: she looked unusually thin and unhealthy. Still, Stacy ignored the implications. "Mrs. Hoynes' health, as well as her method of grieving - and her appearance, come to think of it - are private matters that we ask all of you to respect. Katie?"  
  
"There have been rumors that the President and First Lady are not on speaking terms - can you comment?"  
  
Stacy's expression was full of amusement. "Again, that is a private matter I won't be commenting on. Unsubstantiated rumor regarding the First Lady's marriage - you guys know better. Arthur?"  
  
"Mrs. Hoynes' involvement at the National Organization for Women has been virtually nonexistent in the past few months. Does the First Lady still stand behind NOW's issues?"  
  
Stacy hesitated. After the President took office, CJ had officially stepped down from her position at NOW, but had continued to work for the issues in her own initiatives. "There have been no recent discussions with the First Lady regarding her work at NOW, but I'm sure in the next few days, once things settle down, there will be calls with Amy Gardner. I'd like to remind everyone that Mrs. Hoynes only returned to the office today and is slowly getting back on her feet concerning workload."  
  
Stacy paused the tape and looked with a frown at the three others. "That was my first mistake."  
  
Margaret frowned. "'Getting back on her feet' makes it sound -"  
  
"-like she was really down and out," Carol finished, staring blankly into her cup of coffee.  
  
Donna sighed. "She *was* really down and out, but they don't need to know it. Keep going," she gestured at Stacy.  
  
Stacy hit play and the reporter's clamoring questions continued. More inquiries about CJ's health, her mental stability, the stresses of her marriage as they related to the President's unsure legislative agenda, and plenty of bogus rumors. Stacy continued to beat back the questions with firm 'no comment' answers, but to the four women sitting in the room, it was becoming increasingly clear that they would have to respond.  
  
As the briefing ended, Stacy switched off the VCR and turned back to the group. "I hate to say it, but we have to put her out there in public and make her look good. Health-wise, both mentally and physically - and it wouldn't hurt to get some artwork of the two of them, maybe with the baby."  
  
Donna sighed, a grumpy smirk crossing her lips. CJ was going to hate it, but Stacy was right. And it was only their second day back. "Well, we got one good day out this deal..."  
  
~*~ *  
  
"Sam, you are so da man right now," CJ teased, lacing her arm around her old friend's neck. The four televisions in Bruce's office were tuned to CSPAN, and as the each Senator's name was called, the votes continued to tally up.  
  
Sam grinned and leaned against CJ. "It's been a while since I've earned that distinction."  
  
John looked up from the sofa, where he was reclined on his back. Riley was stretched out over John's stomach, enjoying his father's attention. "No kidding, Sam, you did this."  
  
Bruce came into his office and eyed the First Couple. "You two are done with lunch?"  
  
CJ removed her arm from Sam and sat down on the easy chair across from John. "We just finished and came right up. We wanted to see the Vice President break the tie."  
  
Bruce nodded and settled in his desk chair. He looked at John with humor in his eye. "Due respect, Mr. President, but get your dirty feet off of my sofa."  
  
John chuckled and glanced down at Riley. His small head was resting on John's chest, and with his thumb in his mouth, the little boy looked ready to fall asleep. "Bruce, we're about to score a major win here. My dirty feet should be the last thing on your mind."  
  
CJ smiled softly and reached out to lightly brushing her hand over Riley's dark, curling hair. "He needs a nap."  
  
John grinned and looked at his son's face, peaceful and small. Everything seemed so right at that moment: the education bill was going to pass, CJ was finally snapping out of her depression, and their baby was more than anyone could ever ask for.  
  
"I'll take him upstairs after the vote is over," John decided in a soft voice, meeting CJ's eyes. She nodded and smiled, continually stroking Riley's hair.  
  
Sam and Bruce were suddenly fixated on the televisions, concerned when activity in the Senate chamber began to buzz, the voting procedure having ceased. "What the hell is going on?" Bruce grumbled.  
  
John slowly sat up, cradling Riley as Sam flipped one of the sets to CNN. A reporter's voice, frantic and loud, filled the room.  
  
"This is breaking news, just coming in live from Washington D.C : Vice President Carpenter - who was arriving at the United States Capitol to cast his tie-breaking education vote - is being taken to George Washington University Memorial Hospital after suffering what appears to have been a heart attack. We are currently unable to gather more information at the moment - the Secret Service sequestered the area in front of the Capitol right after the Vice President collapsed on the steps. This all occurred just as Mr. Carpenter was moving into the building...."  
  
Riley began to cry, jolted awake as John thrust the boy into CJ's arms. "God, Bruce, if he had a heart attack -"  
  
"The Senate will reschedule the vote," Bruce said, crossing his arms over his wide chest.  
  
"Damn-it, Bruce, I don't care about the vote!" John bellowed loudly, roughly stepping past CJ and Riley. "I care about the man! Somebody find his wife."  
  
Sam and CJ exchanged grave looks as the news continued to report the uncertainty of the Vice President's condition. John stalked out of the room, and Bruce hesitated a moment, unsure of what to do.  
  
"Get in touch with his security detail," CJ said quietly, trying to comfort her whimpering son. "They'll be able to keep you updated."  
  
Sam nodded. "I'm going to have Bill prepare a statement. Aw, hell, I hope Carpenter's not..." Sam trailed, unwilling to put voice to such an awful thought.  
  
CJ watched the two men exchange worried glances and walk urgently out of the office. As Riley continued to cry, CJ patted his back and bit her lip. It was going to be one hell of a long day.  
  
~*~  
  
"I can't tell you how grateful I am for your company right now," Georgiana Carpenter smiled worriedly, again dabbing at her eyes, awash in fresh tears.  
  
CJ reached over the now-cleared dinner table and squeezed the older woman's hand. "Everything's going to be fine. You have to trust his doctors and his own strength - he's going to make it through just fine," CJ said softly, confidently.  
  
The slim, sixty-ish woman forced another smile. "All this grieving can't be good for a child." She reached her free hand out and allowed Riley to tug on her fingers. The baby grinned and giggled. "I remember when my daughters were this age - they're such little rays of sunshine."  
  
CJ smiled and placed the baby on Georgiana's lap. The older woman was again fighting off tears, and CJ dropped her voice. "I found out as much last month. We all have burdens, Georgie, it's okay to be upset."  
  
The Vice President's wife stopped fawning over Riley a moment. "I'm not usually like this - Richard has always been the emotional one. But I've never had something like this happen: I've never been so frightened in my life, CJ."  
  
CJ nodded. Vice President Carpenter had suffered a heart attack, which had fortunately not taken his life. He was now in stable condition, in the hospital until he regained strength; while John and the staff dealt with the public interest and concern, CJ had slipped over to the Observatory to lend some comfort to Georgiana Carpenter.  
  
"I don't think there's anything else to be afraid of," CJ murmured, smiling sadly at her son. "But this sure puts things into perspective."  
  
Georgiana looked up and lowered her voice. "Tell me about it. The way these men have been struggling to gain some ground - now look what happens. And I know the past month hasn't been easy for you. But we're actually very lucky."  
  
CJ nodded in agreement. "This is another wake up call."  
  
Georgiana sighed, her words a murmur. "Maybe if everyone could just slow down and step back a bit - I think it'd work wonders."  
  
CJ watched the Second Lady with interest, a woman reminiscent of her own mother. But that was a long-gone time ago, a black and white, nearly- discarded memory. CJ shook her head. "Well, Georgie, the way I look at is that when you hit the bottom, there's only one place to go."  
  
"Up," Georgiana agreed quietly, squeezing Riley as she met CJ's gaze. "Soon?"  
  
CJ leveled her eyes, not quite believing what she was about to say. "Well, we're all down here together, and we have been for a while - we're bound to start climbing any day now."  
  
The Second Lady wordlessly agreed, handing Riley back to his mother and silently praying for her husband's health. CJ settled the baby back on her lap and briefly closed her eyes, cherishing the little boy's nearness. He wouldn't be small forever, and as sudden tears stung at CJ's eyelids, she was acutely aware of instability all around her. Only seven hours earlier, she had believed that things were looking up - John's politics, her emotional recovery, her work - the course was becoming clear again. But then the Vice President's heart attack had dragged them all back into the gray area of uncertainty - would his health fully recover? Would their education bill recover? Would John's Presidency?  
  
Maybe, CJ thought as she prepared to return to the White House, maybe they were too far into the hole to dig out. Maybe no amount of hard work would allow them to rise over the low expectations and long months of toil without result. Maybe they were just too jaded to make things seem new again. And maybe they had never been new in the first place.  
  
As CJ left the Observatory and walked out to the waiting car, she held Riley close and looked up at the purple October sky. The breeze was full of chill, but not bitterly so, and as the agents stood respectfully aside, CJ stopped on the grand driveway of her former home. Turning her eyes upwards, she watched as the stars began to twinkle, their light growing slowly brighter in the dusky, quickly-darkening sky. Maybe, like the stars, they'd been fated from the start. But maybe, CJ thought as the wind played in her hair, maybe it just wasn't yet their turn to shine.  
  
~*~  
  
It was a month later that the Vice President returned to working full days. At the insistence of both his doctors and his wife, Carpenter was taking it easy, grateful for the full support of John Hoynes. And John Hoynes had just as much to be grateful for in Richard Carpenter: sad but true, the public sympathy for the elder statesman's health had quickly turned into a rise of popularity for the Hoynes Administration.  
  
The education bill had gone to vote a second time after a nay-voting Democratic Senator had called Sam late into a chilly November night, ready to change his decision. Fifty-one to forty-nine, and they'd scored the first major win of an Administration nearly eleven-months old.  
  
At the end of November, Congress took their annual recess, not to return until January of the next year - and as they flew to Texas for Thanksgiving with the family, all that clouded the President's mind was his fast-approaching State of the Union address.  
  
"Honey, put that away, we're going to be there soon, and I'm sure the last thing your mother wants to hear about is how the notes are incomplete," CJ teased, trying to take the manila folder off of her husband's lap. Inwardly, she was concerned about his obsession with the speech.  
  
John scowled as the chauffeured car passed through the Texas night. He held the papers out of CJ's grasp. "But the notes *are* incomplete and we need to do this right, Claud."  
  
CJ sighed and glanced over at Riley, occupied in his car seat. She looked back at John. "And you will do it right. But it's Thanksgiving, and your parents are dying to see you. Priorities, John, you can afford to set aside work for one weekend."  
  
John sighed and closed the folder, lacing his fingers through CJ's. "My parents aren't dying to see me - it's the baby. And you. They love you."  
  
CJ smiled. John's parents were the best in-laws a woman could ask for. CJ knew that she kept in better touch with John's mother than John himself did. "I think they loved you first."  
  
John frowned and squeezed CJ's hand. The politics wouldn't leave his mind - they were on the edge of being taken seriously: after Carpenter's heart attack and the passage of the education bill, a small amount of momentum began rolling. And now they had two months to write a speech to knock the socks off of a nation. The address was make or break - the second year of his Administration would depend on how strong a leader John appeared. There was a good chance that they would succeed, but as the car continued to travel towards home, John knew that it wouldn't take much to lose the small amount of ground that they'd gained. Thanksgiving or not, he was going to be hard at work.  
  
~*~ *  
  
"Wow, look at the tree," CJ smiled, looking briefly down at Riley. She held both of the boy's small hands in hers as they walked amongst the newly-decorated White House rooms. "Do you like Christmas?" she asked with a smile, stopping to kneel beside her son.  
  
"Santa!" the fifteen-month old shrieked, spotting a plush, stuffed artwork version of St. Nick resting beside the fireplace in the second- floor Oval Room. Riley took a few excited steps over the rug towards the Santa before looking hesitantly back at is mother.  
  
CJ nodded reassuringly, and keeping on eye on Riley, stood up and turned back to Barbara Walters and the accompanying cameras. "It's all so lovely," the veteran reporter gushed. "Is this where you'll spend Christmas day?"  
  
CJ put on her best smile and looked around the spacious room. "We're having all of John's family up from Texas, so yes, this is it."  
  
CJ hated certain aspects of being First Lady. This was their first Christmas in the White House, and naturally the television news magazines expected their "exclusive" glimpse inside. Donna insisted that it wouldn't be so bad, and as CJ led the cameras throughout the White House, Riley in tow, Donna and Stacy remained comfortingly behind the cameras.  
  
The White House was undoubtedly a beautiful sight to see during Christmas. The little tour was doubling as a big-deal interview for Barbara Walters; when the procession reached the main floor of the White House, CJ was grateful for John's added presence. They were due to sit down in the Residence with Walters for a traditional interview after the tour, and then everything would be spliced together for the television special - as John came into the ground floor receiving lobby, the mood remained casual, with tough questions being saved for later.  
  
John immediately got on the floor with Riley for a child's view of another, even larger elaborately decorated tree. "Wow. No wonder he's so wide-eyed," John laughed, crouching down while looking up with a big smile.  
  
"Mr. President, is this Christmas going to be even more special since it's your first as the leader of a nation?" Barbara Walters asked, her eyes bright with interest over the young First Family.  
  
John got up, sweeping Riley over his head to rest the boy on his shoulders. CJ chuckled as the baby tried to reach out and grab the tree. "Christmas is always special. Being President has very little to do with it - we're just looking forward to having the family around. We enjoy being together."  
  
The cameras were switched off and the technicians began to diligently collect the wires. "Mrs. Hoynes, thank you so much for showing us around," Barbara said warmly with a smile. "Mr. President, I believe Bill Trolley told me twenty-five minutes?"  
  
John nodded, one arm around CJ's waist and the other holding Riley securely on his shoulder. "Sounds about right. We'll see you in a bit."  
  
As the television paraphernalia, including Barbara Walters, trickled out of the brightly-decorated room, CJ turned towards her husband and grinned. "I feel so fake."  
  
John shook his head and swung the baby off of his shoulders, down into his arms. "Are you telling me that you really don't give a fly about decorating the White House for the holidays? What kind of First Lady are you?"  
  
CJ giggled and couldn't help but lean into John, oblivious of the staffers in the room. Christmas was coming, and work was going well - the overwhelming mood in the White House had lately been of cheerfulness. "I'm the kind of First Lady that they really need to keep locked away in the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue."  
  
John raised his brow and pressed a brief kiss against CJ's lips, the colored lights from the tree reflected in the silver buttons on her blazer. "What the hell is the Steam Pipe Trunk -"  
  
"I'll have to show you later," CJ giggled again and smiled at Riley. She tore herself away for John and headed for the lobby doors. "Let's go upstairs and get ready for this godforsaken interview."  
  
~*~  
  
"Sam, come on in," Bruce summoned, watching as his deputy carefully shut the door behind him. "State of the Union: I've looked at the early drafts."  
  
Sam sat down. His suit was rumpled, his tie barely hanging on. It was nearing midnight. "And?"  
  
"I like it very much - I like the writing and I know some of it's not yours. Who'd you bring on?"  
  
Sam cleared his throat and absently rubbed his eyes. "His name is Will Bailey. He was running Wilder's campaign back in 2002 when the guy died - Will's the reason I ended up running in California. He did some writing for Toby about three years ago, and I've kept in touch with him. He's good."  
  
Bruce cocked his head. "When you say 'some writing', you mean..."  
  
Sam straightened his spine, a glimmer flashing through his eye. "He co-wrote President Bartlet's second Inaugural address."  
  
Bruce looked impressed. "I never knew that - always assumed it was just Ziegler. Well, good, Sam, because we need to hit this one out of the ball park."  
  
Sam nodded slowly, his eyes shining despite the late hour. "I'm doing my part. We're all doing our parts. This will come together. I've written eight of these, Bruce, plus countless other 'do or die' speeches. It always does come together."  
  
"I want it over with, to tell you the truth," Bruce muttered, standing up and stretching his arms. "January 15th can't come fast enough."  
  
Sam chuckled wryly as he too stood up. He headed for the door. "For a speech writer, it's quite the opposite. I'll see ya, Bruce."  
  
Bruce grunted a goodnight and settled back down in his leather chair. It was nearly Christmas, but nothing about the season stopped the heavyset man from working and worrying. For years, he had been John Hoynes' right hand man, navigating win after win for his old college roommate. Bruce put his faith endlessly in John, because no matter how rough things got - no matter how improbable recovery seemed - they always managed to take the high road and pull it out. This was one of those times, Bruce figured, it had to be. Popularity and approval were slowly rising, but they had to back it up with something substantive - would this address be enough? Could it make up for a full year of immobility?  
  
Bruce flicked out the light on his desk and sat in the silent darkness. More of that old faith - that was all he needed.  
  
~*~  
  
CJ sat on the floor and watched as Riley tore into a neatly-wrapped box topped with a shining, glittering bow. He was more interested in the paper and ribbons than in the gifts themselves, and her heart filled with love as she saw her son's wide and happy grin.  
  
John's family - his parents, his two sisters, their husbands, and all of the children - everyone was gathered at the White House for Christmas. It was snowing outside, the perfect white flakes falling endlessly down against the late afternoon sky. CJ had originally planned for dinner in the Family Dining Room, but as the snow began and continued, she had quietly rearranged for the meal to be served up in the third floor Solarium. With the windowed ceiling and glass front wall, it would offer a brighter, more beautiful view of the white Christmas.  
  
John was completely wrapped up with his new digital video camera, and he and his two brothers-in-law were sequestered in one part of the room, setting the unit up. The five children plus Riley were well-behaved but excited, all loudly overjoyed by the mass quantities of gifts they'd found in the Oval Room. With the oldest child being nine, the room was a zoo of toys, games, and stuffed animals, enough loot to make even the adults grin and remember Christmases gone by.  
  
CJ took the sticky bow that Riley offered her and pressed it against his sweater, grinning as the baby inspected his newly-decorated tummy. She couldn't help but scoop the boy into her lap, holding him close and kissing his cheeks as she watched the Christmas revelry going on around her. She'd always gotten along well with John's family and CJ was glad for a large gathering this Christmas - the year had not been easy. She would spend the following day with her own brothers, but John's family had a more easy-going, tight-knit, casual air about them; they lifted CJ's spirits and reminded her that there was more to this life than being President: there were years beyond these, years that would be equally if not more important.  
  
"Say 'cheese', Sweetheart," John grinned evilly, thrusting his camera into CJ's face. It was a high-tech device, capable of recording for hours. The images could be easily loaded onto a computer, and then burned onto digital-quality discs, forever preserved. John planned to make great use of his new 'toy'.  
  
CJ snickered, put her hand over the lens, and looked around the room. "Who bought this thing for him? 'Fess up, you're about to be severely punished."  
  
Activity in the room ceased and everyone laughed, each in turn denying purchase of the camera. John chuckled and removed CJ's hand, turning the camera on his son. Riley looked with fascination at the camera before loudly screaming, "Cheese!"  
  
Again, the room was filled with the sound of pleasant laughter. John handed the camera to his younger sister, who happily took over recording images of the family's first White House Christmas. John settled down on the floor beside CJ and pulled Riley into his lap.  
  
"Merry Christmas," he said softy, leaning briefly into CJ to press his lips against her ear. CJ turned her head, smiled, and gave him a proper kiss on the mouth. "I love you..."  
  
~*~ *  
  
"Okay, this is all for Wednesday," Carol began, positioning herself in front of CJ's desk. "You're briefing the Senate appropriations committee on nursing home standards at nine. After that, you're touring the children's hospital in Arlington for approximately an hour. Then you're having lunch with a reporter from Good Housekeeping, but I scheduled it late on purpose, because I know how caught up you can get with the kids at the -"  
  
CJ looked up and interrupted with a humored snort. "Good Housekeeping? And Carol, why are you telling me this now? It's Monday night. Late, to be exact - go home, do something else."  
  
Carol tossed her long, dark hair over her shoulder. "CJ, the State of the Union is tomorrow."  
  
CJ raised her brow, smirking. "And you think that between now and Wednesday morning, you won't have time to brief me on the schedule?" Carol silently leveled her amused eyes. CJ's shoulders dropped with a sigh. "Yeah, you're probably right. What's after the magazine lunch?"  
  
Carol flipped through papers on her clipboard, but before she could continue, Donna and Stacy burst through the door.  
  
"Good news!" Stacy cried, waving a piece of paper in the air.  
  
CJ was skeptical. "Get a dictionary; our definitions of 'good' usually differ."  
  
Donna cleared her throat and stared at CJ until the First Lady agreed to listen. "Joey Lucas just faxed this over to Sam, and Sam knew you'd be interested."  
  
CJ held up a finger, smirking as she rose to her feet. "No, Donna, I'm not listening to the results of another poll. I don't care if this one is better than the last; I'm not living my life based on numbers. I don't wanna hear about it!"  
  
Carol, Stacy, and Donna watched, entertained as CJ swept across the spacious office and cracked back the office door. As the three exchanged snickers, Margaret tentatively entered the room.  
  
"Why did the First Lady run out of here, railing like a banshee about the evils of statistics?"  
  
Donna chuckled and looked down at the poll results. "Because she didn't get to hear that her approval is up six points to 62 per cent. And she also doesn't know that the President is up from a 38 per cent approval in October to just over 54 per cent today."  
  
Carol's eyes widened. "And with the address tomorrow night, that should only go up."  
  
Stacy nodded approvingly. "It's going to be smooth sailing. Did someone brief her on Wednesday's schedule?"  
  
Carol nodded. "Some of it."  
  
Donna jumped in. "We need to figure out logistics for tomorrow. Margaret, cover with CJ the fact that she'll need a suit for the address and an outfit for the party. Carol, make sure Audrey knows the tentative time table for the baby. And Stace - you've got her official toast?"  
  
"Written and ready to be printed, Boss," Stacy grinned, looking at the three women around her. She'd been hired to facilitate an engagement announcement for then-Vice President Hoynes, never dreaming that she'd end up as part of CJ Cregg's close-knit staff. There didn't pass a day that Stacy wasn't proud to be working for the First Lady.  
  
Donna nodded, satisfied. "Good, then. Let's make this an early night, 'cause Lord knows tomorrow night won't be."  
  
Carol, Margaret and Stacy filed out of the office. Before closing the door behind her, Donna turned and looked back into the room, pausing a moment before flicking off the light.  
  
~*~  
  
John cracked open his eyes and instantly shut them again; the clock announced ten minutes after five - a harsh reminder that this morning was only a precursor to an incredibly important evening. Shifting his arm around CJ's waist, John moved closer into his wife's warm body and inhaled her familiar scent.  
  
"Are you excited?" CJ whispered, shifting until she was no longer beside John, but partially underneath him.  
  
John smiled softly and fully covered her body with his. Gently kissing her lips, he sighed heavily. The address before Congress had been highly anticipated for weeks, many hoping to see if John Hoynes could make himself a mandate. Everything depended on the night's performance - it was terribly crucial. "I guess today's the day."  
  
CJ wrapped her arms around John's neck and gently pulled his head down against her shoulder. "There isn't any day I'd rather it be. Everyone is finally going to see that you aren't kidding around. I can't wait to watch."  
  
John turned his head and kissed CJ's bare skin. "Claudia Jean, do you know how much I love you?"  
  
CJ murmured and pressed her lips against John's hair. When he picked up his head, his eyes demanding an answer, CJ chuckled. "I thought that was a rhetorical question."  
  
"It's not," John insisted, lightly rubbing his fingers down her bare chest. "Sometimes I don't think you know."  
  
CJ smiled as John's lips caressed the length of her neck, his fingertips lightly tracing the curving underside of her breast. "I know, John. I love you, too."  
  
"Good," he murmured distractedly, working her nipples into sharp, hard peaks. "Because I need you."  
  
CJ sighed contentedly and looked down to watch the affect John was having on her body. "You know, I think I might be pregnant again."  
  
John stopped touching her, lifting his head sharply. "Boy, you sure know how to drop a bomb. Pregnant?" he smiled, softly resuming the motion of his hands over her sensitive skin.  
  
CJ smiled as John kissed her strong collarbone. "This is the third month that my period hasn't come - over the holidays I thought it was just stress and maybe menopause coming early. But now I'm pretty sure that's not the case."  
  
John settled his head back onto CJ's shoulder and placed his warm hand over her bare stomach. "Take a test."  
  
CJ tightened her arm around John's smooth, muscled shoulder. "I will, this week."  
  
"Today, CJ," he said excitedly. "I wanna know."  
  
CJ giggled as John traced circles on her stomach. "I think we can be pretty sure. I know my body."  
  
"I know your body, too," John teased, his hand dancing lower, lightly dipping into CJ's quickly-dampening center. "And right now, it's telling me what you want."  
  
CJ laughed and sealed her lips firmly over John's, gasping with pleasure as he continued to stroke at her sensitive folds. She was content, happy with the idea of another baby - a second child would complete their family. The past few months had been hard work for the State of the Union, all leading up to this night. As they began to make love, CJ knew that regardless of politics in their life, she and John had so much more to be proud of.  
  
~*~  
  
"Mr. Speaker, the President of the United States!"  
  
Donna sat in the bullpen outside of Sam's office, watching as John Hoynes entered the House chamber. He was on, all of his politician's charm and attitude coming to the forefront as he slid down the aisle, shaking hands and offering greetings.  
  
"Oh, damn, I missed the best part," Margaret muttered, leaning against the desk as she arrived in the bullpen.  
  
Donna crossed her arms over her chest. "He hasn't even gotten to the podium, yet. What's the best part?"  
  
Margaret snorted. "The part where the bald guy at the door bellows out an introduction. Funniest thing ever."  
  
Donna softly snickered, looked away from the television as Carol entered the area. "Did you see her yet? She looks good," the brunette assistant commented, gesturing at one of the sets.  
  
As if on cue, the camera panned part of the gallery, and a proudly applauding CJ came into view. Dressed in a cream-colored suit, and with her hair pulled off of her neck, she looked stunning. Donna smiled and looked amongst her staffers. "I think she's pregnant again - asked me to get her a test this morning."  
  
Margaret's grin was uncontrolled. Carol chuckled, her eyes dancing. "With the way those two are at it, I'm surprised she's not pregnant every nine months."  
  
Donna smiled and sighed. "Wouldn't you just kill to be that in love?"  
  
Margaret took her eyes away from the screen, where Hoynes was still making his way towards the podium. "Wait, aren't you *exactly* that in love?"  
  
Carol eyed Donna strangely. "Yeah, you and Special Agent Bobby Marshall," she teased, hoping nothing had changed between the cozy couple. "You said he gave new meaning to the term 'special'."  
  
Donna looked shyly down at the floor. "He asked me to marry him."  
  
Margaret emitted a squeal while Carol did her best not to scream. "Donna! When? Why didn't you tell us?" "Did you say yes? Get a ring?" "Did you set a date? How did he propose?"  
  
Donna continued to nervously smile as the girls peppered her with questions. Finally, as Hoynes was receiving applause from the podium, she looked at the two faces before her. "Actually, I said no. I couldn't do that. Not to him - he's too good for it."  
  
The women fell silent, their faces full of shock. The only sound in the room came from the televisions. The President was beginning his address in a full, commanding and firm voice.  
  
Donna swallowed and looked nostalgically around the bullpen, the exact area that she had worked in for almost six years. She looked back at Margaret and Carol. They would understand.  
  
"I couldn't say yes," Donna continued with a wavering voice, "because there seemed to be so much left over from the past."  
  
Margaret stepped closer to the blond and dropped her voice to a whisper. "You mean Josh?"  
  
Donna felt a lump in her throat and she looked blankly up at the television screens. "I called him last night."  
  
Carol didn't know what to say. She studied her friend, once an assistant like herself. Donna had changed so much in the past ten years; she was no longer a sometimes-insecure, nervous young girl. She was no longer wowed by Washington or the power that came with her job. Donna had proven herself through maturity in so many ways, and now this revelation struck Carol like a ton of bricks. Seemingly in love for fifteen months, Donna had thrown it all away at a reminder of the past? It made little sense to Carol.  
  
"What did Josh say?" Margaret finally asked, the sound of the President's voice overwhelmingly loud in the now-tension-filled bullpen.  
  
Donna didn't take her eyes off of the television. "We had a long, long talk. We met up early this morning." A small smile cracked her lips. "It's just one of those things."  
  
Carol leaned against the desk and studied Donna's stylish gray heels and the slim ankles that accompanied. "Did you tell CJ?"  
  
Donna was silent and when Margaret met Carol's eyes, the green pair read forbiddance. Don't go there. Carol cleared her throat. "Sorry."  
  
Donna shrugged her shoulder, pressing her lips firmly together as John Hoynes talked about strong leadership for an oft-struggling nation. The camera panned again over the standing ovation. CJ, always CJ, her forever-best-friend. Donna sighed and stood up, squaring her eyes at Margaret and Carol. "Let's go watch with the others, in the Roosevelt Room."  
  
  
  
Carol linked her arm through Donna's and Margaret did the same on the other side. They walked out of the bullpen, into the lobby, and down the hall towards the Roosevelt Room.  
  
~*~ *  
  
CJ paused and pushed the microphone away from her mouth, sipping at a flute of ginger ale while the laughter in the room died down. "So I guess what I've been trying to say is thank you. I know first hand just how much hard work you've all done, and how seriously you've all taken this job. It was a big one, but you went above and beyond. Tonight was an overwhelming success, and now," CJ grinned lasciviously, "my husband will be a lot happier at the end of the day. Thanks a lot."  
  
Laughter and applause greeted CJ as she walked off of the small dais. Stacy rolled her eyes good naturedly as she met the First Lady. "So you went off my toast, huh?"  
  
CJ shrugged with a grin, waving at John as he approached. "Sometimes, Stace, it just can't happen any other way."  
  
Stacy disappeared as the President took his wife's elbows. She wore a perfectly fitted, beautiful green beaded, long-skirted suit. "Nice outfit. What happened to the white number you had on before?"  
  
CJ flirtatiously straightened John's silk tie and batted her lashes at him. "There's some kind of First Lady rule. Why, did you like the other thing better?"  
  
John tipped CJ's chin and pressed a light but lingering kiss against her mouth. The speech had gone explosively well; rave reviews were already coming in from the press, polls, and pundits everywhere. Dropping his voice, John grinned and pulled CJ closer. "No, but I particularly liked imagining what's underneath it all. You're gorgeous."  
  
CJ breathed softly into John's ear as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. There was music and they easily fell into a slow sway. "I promise you can see later."  
  
John murmured and tucked CJ's body closer into his. "Did you take the pregnancy test?" CJ smiled and nodded shyly against John's cheek. "And?" he eagerly demanded.  
  
CJ silently nodded again, grinning widely as John's arms tightened excitedly around her. More reason to be exhilarated, John decided with a thrill. "Would it be inappropriate if I shouted it out for the entire room to hear?"  
  
CJ tossed her head back and laughed. "Before we tell our friends and family? Yes. And I want to see the doctor first."  
  
"Excuse me, Mr. President. Mrs. Hoynes? I'm very sorry to interrupt you, Ma'am, but Ms. Moss just sent a message. Danny Concannon is over in the bullpen and would like a word with you."  
  
CJ turned her head and found Tina, Donna's efficient, thoroughly professional assistant. Nodding at the short brunette, CJ sighed and looked back at John. "He's been trying to get a 'word' with me all week. I'd better do it now while I'm in a good mood."  
  
John chuckled and squeezed CJ's hips as she stepped back. "I'll catch up with you later. And you'd better keep that promise," he teased, the giddiness inside of him rising another level.  
  
CJ winked at her husband before she followed Tina. She was glad to see John so happy and relaxed; a victory with the speech meant so much, even beyond the professional: John's demeanor and his private moods depended upon it. He was also excited about the revelation of CJ's second pregnancy, and if things continued as such, the coming year would be one to look forward to.  
  
"Thanks a lot, Tina," CJ murmured as the young aide indicated the bullpen. Danny was waiting outside of Sam's office, this part of the West Wing the only area not being used for celebration.  
  
CJ flung the door back and recalled the way John had proposed to her, kneeling down right there on the wooden floor. The memory dissipated and CJ turned her attention on Danny. "Fish Boy," she grinned. "What can I do for you?"  
  
Danny nodded pleasantly at CJ, his eyes full of yet-unspoken words. They shook hands, laughed at the lunacy of such a formal gesture, and exchanged kisses on the cheek. They hadn't seen each other in ages, though Danny remained a White House press corp staple.  
  
"You look really, really well," Danny offered genuinely, smiling up at the former object of his fantasies. She had gained back some of the lost weight and her color was healthily flushed tonight. Well, Danny mentally corrected himself as a whiff of her perfume wafted by, CJ was not quite so much a 'former' fantasy object. He still so often thought of her and what might have been. "Congratulations," he added, waving his hand in the general direction of the party.  
  
CJ nodded and briefly studied the reporter's expression. She knew it well; through the years of trying to keep him from the story, CJ had learned to read what went on behind those intelligent, keen eyes. Tonight, there was certainly something. "What's up?"  
  
Danny cocked his head down the hall towards the Press Secretary's office, the place of CJ's former inhabitance. "Let's go sit down; I need to talk to you."  
  
CJ followed into Bill's office, thinking nothing of using his sofa. The old office looked virtually unchanged. Danny sat down across from CJ and cleared his throat. "I know I should be taking this to Trolley, but it's sensitive and I wanted you to know first."  
  
CJ crossed her legs and inched forward on the couch. "Danny, what's this about?" she asked, trying to remain nonchalant. However, she had vivid memories of Danny unearthing dirt on Sam's call girl, on Qumar - on everything they wanted to keep hidden. What was next?  
  
Danny inched forward again, the office suddenly dismal and dark. "I've been working on a feature. About the President's younger years - mostly regarding his political interests and activities during college. I'm doing a big piece within the story about Bruce."  
  
CJ nodded. She knew about the upcoming article. "Yeah, how could I possible be of help with that?" she asked, anxious for Danny to get to the point.  
  
Danny twitched nervously. He knew this conversation should have been with the Press Secretary. He also knew that he could simply print the piece without a heads up to anyone. But this was going to affect CJ - a woman he had way too much of an emotional investment with, inappropriate and long- gone though it was. He had to tell her.  
  
"CJ, I know that the President is a recovering alcoholic. I know that not many other people know. I also know that your husband has never publicly spoken of or admitted to any type of addiction."  
  
CJ's heart had dropped with a rush of fire and ice to the pit of her stomach and she found herself clenching her fists. Emotions rushed through her head, both of anger towards the reporter and of worry for John. "Danny, I - I don't even know what to - Oh, my God..."  
  
Danny leaned forward. A sudden urge to touch CJ rushed through him, but Danny's rational mind thought better of it. She was the First Lady now, not someone within his reach. He steeled his voice. "I got the information from interviewing a few people in Texas whom your husband probably wouldn't even remember. The information led me to do some deeper digging. I wanted you to know that I'm going to be printing it in my article when it runs next week."  
  
CJ lashed out, her voice a low growl. She felt sick. "This is *not* news, Danny. He hasn't had a drink in 25 years! If you print that, do you know what it's going to do his Administration? To the momentum they *just tonight* started to build? Not to mention how it'll affect him personally - as a man, as a father!?"  
  
Danny sat back and twisted his mouth, studying carefully the now- fraught CJ. "I'm certainly not going to make it the headline of my article, CJ."  
  
CJ stood up, her voice rising violently. "Damn-it, Danny, don't play coy with me! You know sure as shit that this will be picked up and investigated until hell freezes over. And they'll do it all over again when he tries to run for re-election! They're going to invade his life and ask question after question until it's clear he can't go any further back against the wall!"  
  
Danny followed CJ into the hallway, rushing to catch up with the furious clack of her heels. "Alcoholics Anonymous, CJ, the President of the United States has been going to AA meetings for twenty-five years and no one knew about it!" He punctuated his point with each word. "Sounds a lot like an MS-sized scandal to me."  
  
CJ stopped suddenly, spinning around as Danny almost crashed into her. Leaning closer to the shorter redhead, CJ willingly revealed all of her seething fury. "Don't you dare make that comparison, don't you dare do it! He's kept himself sober, Danny. Tell me what's so wrong with that? This is *not* news!"  
  
Through her rage, Danny caught a hint of desperation behind CJ's strong, icy eyes. Her voice had cracked and abruptly she turned away from the reporter, consumed with the potential disaster looming on their horizon. Danny closed his eyes, hating to be the one bringing her pain. But this was his job, and feelings were not allowed.  
  
"Nothing's wrong with it. But everyone is going to know that the President is an alcoholic. And they're also going to realize that he didn't tell anyone, CJ. All they're going to see is that he didn't tell the truth. It may not be good news for you....but it's news."  
  
CJ refused to turn back towards Danny - she'd heard those words from him before, and now they gave her a new round of chills. She respected Danny as a reporter and she knew that his methods were tough but thorough. This was just going to have to play out; for as long as she'd known him, if Danny Concannon had a story, he was absolutely going to write it.  
  
~*~  
  
Donna walked down the West Wing hallways, fretting as she looked for the First Lady. Carol had brought up a serious point - she needed to tell CJ that Josh Lyman was back in her life, because CJ was going to find out sooner or later that Bobby was out.  
  
It was virtually unexplainable, however. When Bobby had proposed marriage, all Donna could think of was what could have been with Josh. And her conscience was full of guilt at the thought of becoming someone else's wife while unfinished business lay firmly on her mind.  
  
Donna innately knew that she was doing the right thing, and Josh had proved to be full of support. Time, he'd said that morning, take as much time as you need. We can go slowly. Grateful for that, Donna was looking for CJ - she needed to know, and as she searched the hallways for her boss and best friend, Donna wondered if CJ was going to feel betrayed.  
  
"CJ!" Donna cried out with nervous relief. "I need to talk to you."  
  
CJ grabbed Donna's elbow with force. "Not right now, sweetie," she rushed out, and Donna immediately noticed the obvious panic on CJ's face. "Get me Bruce, get him in his office, I need to talk to him. Now. Right now."  
  
Donna's eyes widened with worried curiosity. "Anything I should know about?"  
  
CJ shook her head, closing her eyes and swallowing. "Not yet, just get Bruce."  
  
Donna rushed off as CJ headed in the direction of Bruce's office. Something had either happened or was about to happen. And from the look on CJ's face, Donna knew it wasn't something good. Her confession would have to wait.  
  
~*~  
  
CJ closed her eyes and fought tears as the loud sound of breaking glass filled the Chief-of-Staff's office. Bruce, in a rage after hearing what Danny was about to print, had recklessly flung a paperweight across the room, leaving a damaging hole in the wall and sharp, glittering shards over the floor.  
  
"God-damn-it to fucking hell!" Bruce roared, slamming his hand down on the desk.  
  
CJ swallowed and waited. Bruce ran his thick hand through his dark mane of hair before looking up at CJ with a labored sigh. "You're sure there's no way to hold this story back?"  
  
CJ shook her head shortly. "I know Danny. If he's got it, he'll print it. He didn't come to me for confirmation - he came to warn me."  
  
Bruce's expression softened. "I love your husband with all my heart, CJ. He's the best friend a man could ask for, and I'd do anything for him. But this is the one and only consistent point of contention we've ever had. I told him years ago he had to divulge this thing or it would come back to bite him in the ass when it really mattered most."  
  
"Apparently he didn't listen," CJ muttered wryly, tears still stinging her eyes. "What do we do?"  
  
Bruce again slammed his hand down angrily on the desk. "Leave the media strategy up to me. Leave it to Bill and Sam - I'd say not to tell him tonight, but he's going to take one look at you and know that something's wrong."  
  
CJ continued to fight her emotions. She was upset, and her pregnant hormones weren't helping. "Tonight of all nights." She choked on the words, avoiding Bruce's eyes as she stared out the window into the dark Washington night. "This is going to ruin everything we just earned back."  
  
Bruce scowled. "We didn't 'earn it back', CJ, we just earned it for the first time."  
  
"Maybe we weren't meant to do this," CJ whispered futilely, wrapping her arms around her body. "Because for a year now, everything has been over before it's even had a chance to start."  
  
Bruce ignored this morbid thought as he stood up. "I'm going to get my staff together now. When you go home tonight, tell John what you told me. We'll have to meet in the morning and start dealing with this. I'll try to get in touch with Concannon."  
  
CJ turned to leave, her shoulders sagging. "Don't bother. He came to me with this for a reason. He could have printed it without a word, but he wanted us to be prepared. So go, prepare."  
  
Bruce sighed from within the darkened office. He watched as CJ let the door click softly shut behind her. Prepare. That was a great idea, in theory. But as reality began to sink in for the daunted Chief-of-Staff, he knew there wasn't much to be done. The storm was coming and the dam was going to break, just as soon as it had been built up.  
  
~*~ *  
  
CJ walked tiredly up to the Residence, Bobby on her tail. It was late, and the President - still in a jocular, jovial mood - had promised to meet her there soon. As far as John was concerned, he was still expecting a long night of sweet lovemaking, followed by something equally romantic like breakfast in bed - he wanted to celebrate the night of a successful speech and the discovery of a coming second child.  
  
As CJ stepped off of the elevator, surprise hit her again as she recalled the newfound blessing: in the awful aftermath of the State of the Union party and Danny, she had almost forgotten about the new baby.  
  
"Bobby, thanks," CJ murmured as she stepped up to the main Residence door. "Have a good night and enjoy. Go find Donna - she's still at the party. It's still going strong."  
  
"Yes, Ma'am, good night. Congratulations, again."  
  
CJ smiled half-heartedly, not noticing the forlorn look on Bobby Marshall's face as the agent disappeared from the Residence lobby. It would be another week before CJ would learn of the young couple's breakup. It would be another week before CJ would find that Donna had gone back to Josh Lyman. But in another week, none of it would matter.  
  
Upon entering her home, CJ immediately relieved Audrey of her nanny duties, and after checking on the peacefully-sleeping Riley, CJ changed out of the green beaded suit. Tossing it unceremoniously against the wall, she watched dazedly as the expensive beaded skirt and blazer slid to the floor in a sad puddle of dark material.  
  
Tucking her cotton robe around her nude body, CJ swallowed and walked out into the West Sitting Hall. Curling into the corner of the sofa, CJ looked out of the half-circle of a window and recalled Abigail Bartlet and her bronze satin gown. A birthday long past. Amy Gardner had been in this room with them that night, and Donna, too. Wine, full of cork, and Abbey, pissed as hell over something CJ could barely remember. They had talked about corkscrews, cats, and Canada. Donna had been brutally honest, and Donna had earned respect that night. CJ remembered it now. Abbey's medical license. Gone. And now, years later, more was going, still. Gone.  
  
Too many memories, CJ thought to herself as she studied the ragged edge of her nail. She had bitten it rough in the hours since learning of Danny's intentions. He was going to print the story. He was going to tell the world that her husband - the man she loved, the father of her beautiful children - he was going to tell everyone that the President was a recovering alcoholic. And they weren't going to forgive John Hoynes. They were going to call him a liar and debate his character on twenty-four hour cable news, and they weren't going to forget it when his name showed up again on a ballot.  
  
No one would really care that it had been twenty-five years since he'd had a drink, and no one was really going to notice that everything John Hoynes had done in his life had been for this nation. No one could be expected to understand that, but worse yet, they weren't even going to let him explain it. And the walls of Jericho would come tumbling down. Again.  
  
"Hey, beautiful, where are you?" John called out, a smile in his voice.  
  
CJ swallowed a sob. "In here," she called, mustering up all the cheer she could find.  
  
John poked his head into the sitting hall. "Did you get changed already?" he asked, walking over to the back of the couch. He draped his arms down over CJ's shoulders and pressed his lips to her ear. "Damn, I was looking forward to undressing you myself, very, very slowly..."  
  
When CJ didn't respond to his low voice and tease, John moved his head until he could see CJ's eyes. "Claudia? What? What happened, Doll?"  
  
CJ smiled as best as she could, touching John's wrist. "Get out of your suit and come back in here. I need to talk to you. It's serious."  
  
"Tell me now."  
  
"No," CJ shook her head, her voice cracking as she turned back to the empty sofa across from her. She could almost see Abbey's strong eyes; she could practically hear her indignant tone. "Some women's careers get overshadowed by their husbands. Mine got eaten."  
  
"Your husband got eaten?" CJ remembered coyly asking.  
  
"CJ?" John asked again, gently squeezing her shoulder, snapping her out of a daze.  
  
CJ turned around and looked up, her voice desperate and demanding. "You're about to get eaten. Go get changed and I'll explain everything."  
  
~*~  
  
CJ settled her head on John's stomach, lying between his legs as his fingers gently raked through her hair. The sofa was plenty accommodating of their equally long frames, and CJ stretched out as she clung tightly to John's middle. Stroking her fingers absently in circles over his t-shirt, CJ sighed.  
  
"You're taking this rather well."  
  
John was silent a moment as he continued to comb her hair with his hands. "What did you expect?"  
  
CJ closed her eyes and took comfort in the controlled rhythm of her husband's breathing. "Bruce threw a paper weight against the wall in his office. Big hole, broken glass, that kind of thing."  
  
John grunted and did not speak for many minutes. When he finally did, his voice was not harsh, but soft, as though he had no cares. "You know, maybe we should take a vacation. We didn't do that all last year. And we have kind of an anniversary coming up in a few days. Five years since I fell in love with you at an Inaugural Ball. We talked all night at the Observatory, you told me everything. It might be nice to get away now."  
  
CJ picked her head up, shocked. "John, you understand exactly what's about to happen, don't you?"  
  
John smiled sadly and gently eased CJ's head back down against his abdomen. "I don't want to think about it tonight."  
  
"You have to think about it," CJ murmured, hot tears rising from deep within. She had a sudden urge to relive that special night at the Observatory, talking 'till dawn with this man, new and exciting.  
  
"We'll deal with it, the way we've dealt with everything this year. Sometimes well, sometimes not so well. But we'll get through it," John managed, hoping his wife heard confidence.  
  
"I love you," CJ whispered, crawling up John's body until she could curl her head under his chin. "I love you, I love you, I love you," she murmured, trying to wrap him in her words.  
  
"And that's all I need."  
  
They fell asleep in the West Sitting Hall, the shroud of night's darkness only lasting a few hours longer. Dawn broke slowly over the White House, and a pink sun crept out of the horizon, blanketing the Washington sky with a dull, purple light. Soon, it would blossom into a glowing and warm sunshine, but in the early hours of a still-peaceful morning, the stars faded out, awaiting a brighter fate.  
  
END 


End file.
